Back in March 2016, I was 30, had two small children, worked nights as a nurse and looked after my home and marriage as much as I was able. I was spread thinly, to say the least.
In the midst of the haze, one day I hit a wall. Or- it hit me. Square in the face. I didn’t know what was happening, but I realised I hadn’t put a load of washing on by 3pm and my mind and body decided that was enough to shut down. I dropped what I was doing, and curled up into a ball, crying uncontrollably. It was scary.
I called my husband in tears, begging him to come home from work, because all I wanted to do was hide away in my bed, cry, and sleep for years. This was the first time my depression – or ‘Winston’, as he’s now known – became apparent to me, and us.
Are you a mum? Does any of this sound familiar to you? Have you been there? I’m sorry if you have; it’s not nice. That feeling that you’ve lost yourself and you don’t know why or how, but the person you once knew as ‘me’ has been locked in a box somewhere and can’t get out. I hear you.
Every tiny thing was a huge effort, and I felt apathetic about everything. I just didn’t care; I couldn’t deal. It took a lot of courage for me to admit that I needed to be seen by a doctor, first and foremost.
I still remember that day, sitting in the waiting room feeling so nervous and… scrambled. Did I really have the right to be there, complaining about not being able to cope with my wonderful life? What if the doctor didn’t believe me? How do I express in words how I am feeling, when I have no idea what I’m feeling?
I walked in, sat down, and blurted out, “Mental health!” and that started the journey of managing my depression.
Here on this blog, I’ll be sharing how I get on with life with 3 (yes, three now!) children, a husband, a home and a job. Generally, Winston stays in the background now, and I’m here to tell you mamas that it is possible. What you’re feeling now is not the end of the world. If you get the right help, you will be able to manage too.
Thank you for stopping by. If you have any questions or feedback, please don’t hesitate to comment.